A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
