one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Who did Billy Mays play for?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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