I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
