Welp...herpes.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize