What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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