Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
