I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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