I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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