He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
