matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I wear drunk well.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
