So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
