Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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