I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
