Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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