Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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