I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
