I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
