Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
