Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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