My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize