Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
