woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
