just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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