Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
