nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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