Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
