Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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