I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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