You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
