mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
