we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
