oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
