I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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