Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
