i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
