I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
