hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
