note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Is Oprah even human
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize