how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What a dumb baby whore.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Randomize
