I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
