I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
