Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
