my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
