I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
