At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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