there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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