Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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