she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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