I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
