My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
