Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
