Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
as a side note pls kill me
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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