my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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