he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize