she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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