this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
