I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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