I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
