She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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