I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
