I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
