I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
