a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I got her a Nickelback box set.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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