I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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