I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
