we have pet lesbian snakes
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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