i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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