It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
