I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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