sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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