also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
